The Good-Enough Parent
By Carolyn Warnemuende, M.S.
Most parents love their children with such a powerful and sustaining love that they have difficulty finding the words to describe their feelings. If we hear parents make statements to the contrary, we are at a loss to understand. When we see parents treating their children in abusive ways, we feel sickened.
Loving parents want their children to be successful. They want them to develop character so that they can handle life’s inevitable problems. They want their children to develop a strong set of values so that when faced with difficult decisions, they can make wise choices.
Yet, when asked what they want for their children, phrases currently used by many parents include, I want my children to be happy, I want to always be there for them, I don’t want my children to suffer, I want my children to have everything they want. Words like RESPONSIBLE, SELF-SUFFICIENT, SELF-RELIANT, SELF-MOTIVATED, and STRONG CHARACTER aren’t often uttered.
Parents who protect their children from the fullness of life fall into the trap of the too-good parent. In the name of love, too-good parents attempt to shield their children from hurt, unhappiness, and difficulties. The children are placed at the center of the family’s life. As a result, they do not learn the lessons necessary in mastering life or the skills of being a member of a group.
In the remainder of this article we will list the traits of the too-good parent, and then give examples of how they can be modified into good-enough parenting.
TRAITS OF THE TOO-GOOD PARENT:
1. Too-good parents do for their children what they are capable of doing for themselves.
2. Too-good parents give children the message that they are more important than the parents are.
3. Too-good parents give their children too many opportunities.
4. Too-good parents fail to take a leadership role in the family.
5. Too-good parents fail to use effective parenting tools.
6. Too-good parents develop mutual dependency with their children.
THE GOOD-ENOUGH PARENT:
Good-enough parents are effective. They know that their children will not always be happy, and that they will inevitably face hurt and difficult times in their lives. Good-enough parents see themselves as having the responsibility of providing a family structure that includes consistency and follow-through. They give love and support while their children grow through the stages of childhood and adolescence into successful and responsible adults.
1. Good-enough parents provide opportunities for their children to learn skills.
Whether the child is learning to button a sweater or learning to say NO to an unwise social request, good-enough enough parents teach the skill, give the necessary time to practice the skill, and support the child in the process. They do not expect perfection. They acknowledge small steps toward success.
2. Good-enough parents take care of their own personal lives.
Good-enough parents have a social life of their own. They take care of their emotional and spiritual needs. They are not afraid to take time for themselves. Children who live in families where the parents take time for each other, time for friends, and time for themselves individually learn the importance of self-care. They learn to find activities that they enjoy doing alone or with their siblings. They don’t rely on their parents to meet every need.
3. Good-enough parents limit the number of extracurricular activities their children join.
Children need to develop outside interests. Developing skills, self-discipline, and responsibility required for a sport, music, or dancing is an important part of growing up. Many times children are in so many extracurricular activities that they have no time to successfully complete homework, get enough rest, and have time to dream and imagine. Good-enough parents know that no more than two or three outside activities are in their children’s best interest. Limiting the number of activities children join helps them develop the skills of prioritizing and decision-making.
4. Good-enough parents take a leadership role in the family.
Good-enough parents work with the family unit to develop reasonable standards. They consistently follow through on set consequences for failure to follow the standards. They acknowledge and support their children’s positive role in the effective maintenance of the family. They understand that while a democratic family is important, there is a natural hierarchy between parent and child. They are not afraid of losing their children’s love by being the parent.
5. Good-enough parents use effective parenting tools.
Good-enough parents work with the family to develop a structure that meets the needs of everyone in the family. As a family, rules and standards along with consequences for not following the rules are developed. Effective parents consistently follow through on supporting the rules and the consequences. They acknowledge their children for successes and for their attempts toward success. Good-enough parents find some time each day to spend alone with their children. They show an interest in their children’s interests.
6. Good-enough parents assist their children toward independence from the time they leave the womb.
The goal of good-enough parenting is to provide the opportunity for children to learn the skills of living independently and successfully in the world. A successful person is responsible, self-sufficient, self-reliant, self-motivated, and possesses strong character. While no one exhibits these traits all of the time, the successful individual has the ability to draw on them and return to them in times of relapse. Good-enough parents know that by practicing effective parenting, their children have the opportunity to become independent individuals with strong characters who contribute to the world in their own unique way.
Parents who are good-enough have children who are happy much of the time. Their children trust that they WILL be there for them with their support. Their children will have the skills to face life’s adversities with strength. While the children will probably not have everything they want, they will have what they need. Most importantly, they will feel loved and respected as competent human beings.
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